Making It So

I had a little depressive episode yesterday.

There was massive, disproportionate stress, and crying, and not getting things done. The difference between this and the episodes I had before is that I made a conscious effort to modify my mood through tea, food, and activities. My success was only moderate, but when it comes to depression, the trying is important. One of the hardest things I face right now is how to move beyond the karma of depression — how to not let depressed moods take over, how to fight them. When I’m depressed, I stop fighting. So yesterday I fought, and that makes fighting the next episode a little easier.

(So I’ve just realized that depression is the opposite of a video game. The bossfight comes at the beginning, and all the levels get easier after that.)

And I had help in my fight, which is important. My boyfriend helped a lot, with hugs, talking, and sushi. I feel better today, like the not-sick self I want to be. But I have been reminded strongly that there is a shadow at my heels, and every once in a while it will remind me of its presence.